Short Jokes

Q: How can you tell the difference between God and a skydiver?
A: God does not think that he’s a skydiver.

Q: What are skydivers called that yell ‘Polly want a cracker?’ as they jump from an airplane?
A: A parrot trooper.

Q: Why do birds sing?
A: Because they don’t have to re-pack once they’ve landed.

Q: What’s a beautiful, sunny day called when it’s preceded by two cloudy, rainy ones?
A: Monday.

Q: What’s the difference between a bad skydiver and a bad golfer?
A: A bad golfer goes, “Whack! Crap!” and a bad skydiver goes, “Crap! Whack!”

What to do in Total Chute Malfunctions

Generally, packs are packed with great attention to detail paid to them and with complete inspection of all equipment and devices. But there’s no doubt that sometimes things don’t go the way they should and you could find yourself in a very dangerous situation. The most dangerous thing that could happen while skydiving is that you have some sort of chute malfunction. While some of these are minor and can be easily fixed, some are considered total chute malfunctions and therefore, it may seem as though there is nothing that can be done. If a skydiver jumps from an aircraft and upon deployment finds that he has a total chute malfunction, it will appear as though he is only free-falling, because nothing will happen. However, because the skydiver is free-falling, it will all happen very fast and so, if this happens you need to know what to do beforehand so you don’t waste precious time thinking about it. Here are the main causes of total chute malfunctions and how you can prevent them, or fix them when they happen.

Having a hard pull is one of the most common total chute malfunctions. This is when you pull on the pilot chute but it doesn’t come out of its container. This can happen for a few reasons but whatever the case, your chute doesn’t even come out. If this happens, pull one more time on the pilot chute handle but only a little more firmly. If it still won’t come out of the container, forget about the pilot chute and try the reserve. You can avoid the problems of hard pulls when you pack the pack by making sure that everything will come out easily and works as it’s meant to.

The other common reason for total chute malfunctions is when the pilot chute is missing its handle. This causes a problem because without the handle, you can’t get the pilot chute out of its container. If this happens, feel with your hands down to the corner of the container and find the pilot chute yourself. Then manually pull it out. This problem can be prevented by making sure before you exit the aircraft that your pack has not become snagged on any seat belts, door jams, or anything else. Always, always inspect your equipment before the jump and never leave the aircraft if part of your equipment is questionable.

The ABC’s of Skydiving: M & O

There are no real official terms pertaining to skydiving that begin with the letter ‘N’ and so this glossary will skip that letter. Please let us know if you can think of any ‘n’ terms that we may have missed!

MSL - This is Means Sea Level. The pilot flying the jump plane will use MSL to refer to altitude. The difference is that it refers to how many feet above sea level the plane is and not how many feet above the ground.

Main - Referring to the main parachute and hopefully, the one that will be used instead of the reserve.

Manifest - This is the action of placing yourself on a list to get onto a jump plane. Each plane has a list of every jumper and these lists are kept in certain locations where you must go to get on the list.

Microline - This is a newer kind of suspension line that is much smaller than the old dacron lines that were once used.

Organizer - This is someone who coordinates formation dives. This person is usually greatly skilled at organization and is very experienced at skydiving. 

Out landing This is when a skydiver does not land on his/her target.

Out of date: If the reserve was packed more than 120 days ago at the time of the jump, it is considered to be ‘out of date’ and is illegal to use.

The Skydiving Lesson

A skydiving instructor was teaching a skydiving course trying to get students ready to learn the basics of skydiving. After he was finished with his lecture one day, he took a few minutes at the end of the class to answer any questions, as he always did. Calling on a young man who had his hand in the air, the young man asked, “If after our jump, our chute doesn’t open, and our reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?”

The instructor didn’t miss a beat and looking at the young man with a dead-pan expression, he said, “The rest of your life.”